Welcome to Olympus!

For those of you who haven’t arrived here through the preexisting facebook page, welcome to the new home for the Church of the Divine Profit! I’m Jack, and I like talking about our immortal overlords up on Mt. Olympus. Continue reading

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Mr. Jenner’s Fancy New Vagina

(Originally Posted 6/12/2015)

“Good for him.”

That’s it. That’s all that needed to be said about Bruce Jenner’s transition into a heavily photoshopped woman.

I’m not saying that I agree with it — truth be told, the whole thing creeps me the hell out — but it’s simply none of my damn business what the newly minted Caitlyn does with herself.

So I’m going to say it again, this time with the proper pronoun:

Good for her. And now, there is nothing more that needs to be said about Caitlyn Jenner.

Unfortunately for everyone who’s already sick to death of this story, I fucking love this story. Why? Because the stories we tell reveal a lot about the people telling them. Continue reading

Drunks and Trolls: A Word on Our Patrons

(Originally Posted 6/8/2014)

As you all know, I’ve been under the guidance of noble Dionysus for quite a while now. The God of Wine has been my near-constant companion, especially on weekends and Tuesday nights when I go to karaoke night at the bar over by the mall.

But the youngest member of the Olympian pantheon does more than inspire us to sing songs that are, like, WAY out of our range; as I delve into the mythology that constitutes our awesome faith, he is there to correct misconceptions and deepen my already almost-adequate knowledge of the source material. Continue reading

About the Gods

(Originally Posted 5/10/2014)

Often we think of the gods as little more than the personifications of abstract concepts and elemental forces, which is a topic that we’ll discuss in depth in our forthcoming series on the creation of the universe. However, there are a few misconceptions about the gods that Dionysus needs correcting before we get onto that subject. I’ll say this much to start: everything you know about the gods is probably wrong. Time to explore! Continue reading

So You’re Going to Hell: An Olympian’s Guide to the Afterlife (Part 2: The Damnening!)

(Originally Posted 4/29/2014)

Before I go any further, I need to re-emphasize this one point from the first half of this sermon: as a rule, mortal souls are bound for Hell. There’s nothing you can do about that, so I hope you’re handling the adjustment in your own way (I recommend getting really drunk and giving all of your money to strippers). Continue reading