Introducing: Your Reverend

So say you’re in Atlantic City with a group, it’s 3am, and everyone is (of course) wasted.

Your crazy friend — you know the one — finds, like, the perfect girl. He’s even fairly certian that she’s not hourly, which is a pretty awesome bonus. Now maybe the handful of mollies you just took might have skewed your judgement a smidge, but deep in your heart of hearts, you just KNOW that this is the one and only girl for him. He needs to get shit that wifed up immediately, but everything is closed on account of it being 3:00 in the goddamn morning.

Who do you call?

Okay, new example. So you’re just outside of Atlantic City with a group of friends standing knee-deep in the marsh, it’s 3:30am, and you’re high on bath salts. You just found out that the girl your buddy married was actually a tranny and a hooker. You’re just getting ready to throw the first shovelful of muck on her corpse when you realize that you might need to be absolved from a sin or two that you may have committed over the course of the evening.

While you’re at it, you think that it might be proper to have some sort of holy man say a few words in honor of the deceased. You’re not a total monster, after all. Also there’s a baby that needs to be baptized for some reason; you don’t know how or why this got to be your responsibility, but the acid just started to kick in so you’re just sort of going with it.

Time’s running out. Who do you call?

The answer, of course, is your totally non-judgmental friend: the Reverend. And not to split hairs, but you probably won’t even need to call. If your night is this awesome, there’s like an 80% chance that I’m already there.

Some of you are shocked. Others realize that this kind of behavior is pretty standard for me, even if I don’t fully understand what a “sarcasm” is. I know it sounds delicious, but that’s about it.

And this is no joke! As of November 13, 2013, I have been ordained as a Minister in the Universal Life Church. This legally allows me to perform all of these ceremonial rites and probably a few more I haven’t bothered to look into. Plus I can insist that people call me “Reverend”, so I’ve got that going for me.

Seriously though; for the life of me I can’t understand why someone might accuse me of being sarcastic. It hurts my feeling.


Original post (c) 2013


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